Just me: Chapter one

Chapter 1: Because you had a bad day

“Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day…”

Most of you must be pretty familiar with this song, which entitled “bad day” as I do. I first heard it from an advertisement on TV but I had no idea what song was that. It was one of my friends; she selected that song when we went Karaoke the other night. I just thought that it is quite meaningful.

I had really bad days when I first entered a total different world called “Graduate School”. I never thought that it would be that different from undergraduate as the college exists in the same campus. I don’t know if this is the same in other university or in other country, but here in Korea, graduate school is like prison? I hope this description does not offend anybody because it is merely what I think. And what I think is not necessarily correct. Anyway, coming before 9 a.m. every morning and leaving after 10:30 p.m. was one of the reasons why I called it a prison. Some other side factors that contribute to my judgment would be, juniors must have lunch and dinner with their seniors; they should not have their own plan on weekdays; work until 4p.m. on Saturday and so on. Even though I’m an Asian and I do not praise individualism, I still believe that a normal person should have appropriate working hours and personal time. I guess the people here are still living in the 80’s, where they worked themselves to grave to catch up with other countries. They did it! And I feel more than respect for them. However, time passed by and things changed. Those days are far gone and the same concepts are not applicable now, and even in the future. Wake up!

I entered the very well-known laboratory. I felt so outcast even though I am a nerd. These people’s nerdy-level is outraged. I could feel their tensed up brain waves slapping on my face like yellow sand from China as I stepped in. Wow! My heart exclaimed in shock. That was my first real culture shock after spending six years in Korea. I still don’t believe that I didn’t see that coming.

“So, from now on, you are the slave of this community. You have legally sold your soul to our lab (the grad school’s research lab) and you shall abide all rules and regulations while you are here. And the contract is two years.”

What??? My heart yelled, frightened by a bunch of inhumane people here. Perhaps I shouldn’t describe them in such terrible way, but that was the first impression they gave me. From the first day I entered grad school till now, I still feel lost in hesitation. Sometimes, I even feel like I’m losing myself. It is like they are sucking out my soul from me.
“Is that normal? I thought I was here for education but why am I feeling cheated?” I wondered in vain. But I guess no one will be able to give me an answer.

The worst part of this incredibly weird lab was that everybody here secretly hated each other while putting on the smiley face and acting touchy to each other. And they all have one thing in common which was, they are all lonely and sad people. That was the whole reason why they don’t go home or out with friends and force people to stay with them till late night. Moreover, I was told that I am not supposed to have lunch or dinner separately or have an appointment during the weekdays. Isn’t that the best life you can have? It is year 2009 but I feel like I am going backward. This is madness!

My first day at work, was like taking a lousy airline for a twelve hours journey flight to some shitty place in some part of the world. No entertainment service for the customers and the seats are just as small as a minibus. Moreover, the stewardesses were all ugly and impolite. And the stewards were rude! The worst part was the food! They sucked.

Everyday, my mood was plunging into the deepest hole. I even started to be convinced that I am depressed and I should see a shrink. Perhaps some drugs would help me to get out from this insanity. On the second week of grad school, all my close friends, or should I say my only friends were heading back home. We came here together six years ago but they had to leave me here alone as I had made my choice. They had made their choice too. There is no never-ending gathering as everybody has to leave and return to where they belong. I guess I belong here, at least for now. That day, when I saw them leaving me in the airport, my tears kept bursting out all the way home. When I left my friends in my hometown, I did not know how they felt because I was always the one who leave. I never really appreciated them. But now, I was left behind. And I understood something priceless that we called friendship.

And as my mood slides down, bad things came along. On the second week of my grad school, I broke an expensive furnace tube. I had no idea how it was broken, but I think that I might be the culprit. But I was not sure. Fortunately, I did not have to compensate the lost as the furnace was not the very new one. Whew…

Bad things happened, but good things too. Fortune knocks on every man’s door for sure, but you can’t expect it to stay in your house all the time. I noticed that I should turn this whole thing around. I would not be able to survive if I kept being negative about everything and every person here. I should open my heart and give them a chance to change. I should send all the positive waves to the universe and let it creates a harmonious environment for my existence.

Just me

I believe most of the time, happiness is the ultimate goal in life for anybody. However, a journey of pursuing happiness will never come to an end if the following principles are not strictly followed.

 Basic principle of life number one, think positive.
 Basic principle of life number two, let go of what you want and appreciate what you have.

The third principle is yet to be decided.

I know these principles are just some common sense that everybody has and are not necessarily be stated in point form to make anyone understand. However, many have manipulated the simplest principle of life and make a fortune out of it. Am I right? But please do not misunderstand me here; my point is not to make money. It’s just that I have a dream since I was little. I’ve always wanted to become a famous writer.

To start writing, first of all I need a good start. But due to personally reasons, all the rough writings that I’ve been collecting are all depressing start. I have to admit that I was quite depressing since the past few weeks as my whole stable and secured student life had come to an end. And I, the lost girl was wandering in the junction of nowhere, seeking for a path to be taken.

My life has always been smooth and easy as I always pick the safe path. Safety is the priority to me. Then, stability comes. When I looked back in my life, I’ve been a nerd all along. Proceed through every single nerdy step towards the nerdy world without any clue. I did not realize that until I came to the third junction of my life. The first junction was during my primary school graduation and the second one was when I finally finished high school. Now, I’m graduated from University, and I’m standing at the same spot where I stood 6 years ago. Unlike in the poem of “the road not taken”, I did not choose the road that was not taken. Instead, I chose the safest path, again. Anyway, as I mentioned from the start, the first basic principle of life, I should think positive and stop wondering how my life would be if I’ve chosen a different road. Moreover, the second principle is to let go of what I want and appreciate what I have. These two rules have drawn me a clear path to be taken.

Apart from all the gibberish above, I have a lot of individual theory and beliefs. And I believe that most people live in dissatisfaction. Sometimes, this kind of feeling can also be called motivation. It depends how you look at it. If you were fully at ease with everything you have, there will not be any driving force to go for any other things. Motivation is needed in many aspects of life. Students need motivation; teachers need motivation; employees need motivation and so on. Then, does that mean everybody should live in discontent? Does that mean life cannot be preceded without motivation? Or dissatisfaction? Some would agree that life without motivation could be a life without anything. In contrast, life without motivation could also be everything. Anything can be merely the flip side of another. So, there’s no point for me to be paradoxical right now, right?

Okay, I guess the part about my philosophical notions has gone too far. Let’s get into the first chapter of my miserably not miserable life.